I've Got News for You

Well, well, well, this is quite contradictory, isn't it? Where don't you like to find things out? Facebook. Where did we find this out? Facebook. This all point to one thing-the need for a sarcastic graph!!

Is it just me, or is there something incredibly identical between both places? Oh wait!! We've found out about her most recent bitchings on ...wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... FACE-FUCKING-BOOK!!! Now Rachey Babe, if you really don't like finding out this kind of news via Fbook, then why bitch to the world about it on Facebook? This makes me wonder if you're one of those fucking whores you loathe sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.

The Shirt on Your Back

Oh dear. No idea which is worse- the original post or some of the comments. james says something here, and suddenly adam explodes out of nowhere. though i'm not sure if that harsh of a reaction is impressive or sad by length. ya know what, it's sad. why? cuz i said so! aaaaaaaaaanyways, why so generalized? are you going all "annoying fbook girl" on us, james? and adam, please, don't hold back. tell us how you really feel.

Choosing Wisely

Ugh. really, devon? if you know you cant trust any of the three people, why even bother asking them in the first place?!?! also, do you really need to update your status every time just to make us feel bad? in the future, just ask someone who you know ALSO wants to do what you wanna do at the same time, et viola! you have a ride.

Yet Another Couple

Oh dear god. normally i start w people's shitty statuses, not comments, but this one just went so opposite that it was worth doing things the other way. all starts off in the status, just an update on anna going clothes shopping. but then when ben comments, it goes downhill. like seriously, this is just another one of those gross in-too-deep couples. am i too much of an "old-fashioned" guy to see how this really is, as in if this is perfectly fine? cuz yeah, ive gotten what, four or five posts from this kind of shit? just, idk

When Logic Goes Awry

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. How the hell does this logic work?! We have a week of spring break this week, and most other colleges have it next week. How does that mean we'll be getting out earlier?! unless other colleges have longer breaks, all our graduations should be about the same. take this for example, dear Cristina, imagine the alphabet, if you will. now, suppose we use one copy of the alphabet and the other colleges use another. the standard american english alphabet has 26 letters, yes? well, imagine if our college would pick a letter and toss it down the toilet. therefore we would have 25 letters. now, another college uses the same initial alphabet, then removes a *different* letter. how many letters remain in their alphabet? 25, idiot. So if we get a break at one time, and they get that same break at a different time, we each get the same amount of break, just at a different time!! now, was that so hard to understand?

Hardcore?

Where to start, where to start? Hardcore? no way! Imo, hardcore isn't just about looks and outfits, but also personality. You in no way have the personality to be hardcore imo. Plus, i doubt hardcore would wear bright yellow. I'd assume darker colors, but yeah, yeah, yeah, i know what happens when you assume-make an ass out of you and me. and your hair barely is even purple. i mean, it's just one small patch, and even then it's more of a dark pink as opposed to actually being purple. seriously

I See What You Did There

The question of the ages-is this the same couple that frequents my site or a new couple? Wait, the sickeningly sweet status is posted in the general feed, not on his gf's wall. It's a new couple!! Welcome to my site, Colin and Mary!! I hope you enjoy your stay! If you don't, not a single puck is being given!
And the most annoying part of this is Mr. Colin's profile photo. It's of him and Mary making out, as if he's saying "Haha! I have a gf and we get along soo well and make out all the time, and your and your gf (if you even have one!!) aren't like that at all!!" Mary's is much better-just a pic of the two of them sitting together. It's currently 3 March, 2012. I expect they'll be through before May, with how many gfs he's had in the past...

Releasing Your Inner Child

Mmmkay, before anyone decides to point fingers at me, I'M NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING EXCITED TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD!! I'm more concerned with her outfits. (God, that just sounded so gay to come from a straight guy.) Yeah, I can totally see being excited to go to DW. Hell, I don't give a flying fuck about what other people think, if I were going on a vacation to DW, I'd also be excited as fuck! Haters can hate. However, dressing up like the various princesses is going waaaaaaaaaay beyond excited and borderline obsessed. As you go around the park, enjoying your spring break, all I have to say is- better brush up on your autograph skeeelz, cuz if your costumes are as accurate as you are obsessed, you're gonna be starting a mini parade!! Have fun!!

True Love?

VAIN ALERT VAIN ALERT VAIN ALERT!!!! SEEMINGLY CLINICALLY DEPRESSED SUBJECT IS BEING VAIN!! (idk if he's actually depressed or what, but he seems it. THERE, I GAVE CREDIT THAT IM UNSURE!)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways, "The One Right Now"?!?!?! *LAME ALERT LAME ALERT LAME ALERT* Dear god, Im not sure which is worse- my roommate, who thinks relationships are simple, direct 1-2-3 step-by-step things, or Dakota w/ this "the one right now" bullshit. I mean really?!?! "the one right now"?!?! I mean, yeah, he's openly gay, but still, this is just, just, *bangs head on keyboard* lya;ktr 54o9 zfjoiaj;or e; oatie s;oriu
I'm sorry. I feel a little bit better now. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways back to venting. So just how long is "right now"? Is it variable from partner to partner? Is it marriage or just dating? God, I'm not sure if being in your mind right now would clarify or confuse this. At any rate, I don't really think Imma ever try and wiggle my way into his brain. Not a psych major, so I don't need to!! :D The benefits of choosing a good major!! But seriously, with Dakota's viewpoint on relationships, I'm not surprised that his ex broke up w him. Just, ugh. I need to bang my head again. a;osih ga;skdf n;aos;idjv ned k fwoie jn xv2398r usv dnzls dg > Much better. For now. Until someone else makes a shitty status. Then I shall proceed in banging my head repeatedly again.

Irrelevant Picture is Irrelevant

Mmkay, the only way I edited this screencap is by blocking out the names. The pic that Mr. Dakota uploaded is in fact that negative flower. That being said, how can that be you and your friends?! I see absolutely no faces there!! Last time i knew, people typically do have faces, and seeing how i know you, i know you do in fact have a face. No, it is not a flower (I think that's a lily, feel free to correct me on that).
Well, just to see if there was any difference, i clicked the pic, and he just tagged people as different parts of the flower:

Still, its a rather dumb pic to use to tag friends.

Making Sense from Nonsense, or The Importance of Punctuation

OK, what the fuck are you trying to say here?! All i can decipher is that it's a quote from Pierce the Veil! Other than the "-Pierce the Veil" at the very end, none of this makes sense! Being the occasional smart cookie i am, i looked on google and found out that those are lyrics from "Kissing in Cars" by Pierce the Veil. it's a shitty song (yeah, i looked it up on youtube, too, just to verify), made my ears bleed. *insert reasons why it sucks*
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways, back to the status. you'd be surprised how little punctuation you can use to make it actually coherent! Mmkay, you have the quote typed out "Your face is the first thing I see the first time I've seen love and the last I've ever needed" all as one looooong run-on sentence. now, the bare minimum you could do is either hit this miraculous little key on the keyboard called "enter" at several appropriate places. yeah, I was surprised when they decided to make that key, too. if you wanted to just use this miraculous key, then here's how you could make your status make sense:
"Your face is the first thing I see
the first time I've seen love
and the last I've ever needed"
-Pierce the Veil

If you still wanted to keep it as just one line, then a common practice is to use the revolutionary "/" to indicate that it's a new line in the song. Using your quote, for example, "Your face is the first thing I see the first time I've seen love and the last I've ever needed" would become "Your face is the first thing I see/The first time I've seen love/And the last I've ever needed." Finally, if you wanted to circumvent the "/"s, you could use these mystical things called "commas" and "periods!!!!" The miracles of modern grammar!! Now, if you would write it in this format, it would look something like this "Your face is the first thing I see, the first time I've seen love, and the last I've ever needed." In case you don't understand why i used those magical commas, it's because that quote can be broken down to a 3-part list. now, pick which way you like best, and then it can make sense!! I guess I hafta give you some slight credit cuz the lyrics in context make absolutely no sense. There, I gave you props for something. consider yourself one of the few lucky bastards to get props on my blog. you're welcome.

Bit of a Reversal

Ya know how normally I bash people's statusi? well today, ladies and gentlemen, i shall instead of bashing a status, i get to bash a reply!! I know, such an exciting occurrence!! I just might pass out from the excitement!! /sarcasm.

(Mmkay, I think "Gladys" is just a fake account one of my family members made to get more neighbors or whatever in farmville or some game, but jes' in case it's an actual person, i covered the needed text.)
Aaaaaaaaaanyways, "anti-superbowl party?" really? in case you're not a fake account, my family also has said "party," if you can even call it a "party." I personally refer to it something other than "party." I like to call it JUST A REGULAR SUNDAY AFTERNOON!! srsly, the closest this even comes to a "party" is that we buy food that one would have at an actual party (not booze for my parents or older sister, though. we've actually never gotten booze for this "party."). i honestly dont give a fuck about the superbowl, but this is just ridiculous. srsly, having an "anti-superbowl party" is, in my opinion, acknowledging that people like the superbowl, and thus like to have actual parties for it.
(Also, Saliva rocks, and i didnt stop myself from hyperlinking their first song i heard)

The Problem with Fbook Relationships

Oh dear god where to start? Its a hard decision-try and restrain myself to only go at this post, or jes' let all my mind go at it, both the post and the two of them. Choice 2, I Choose You!
My god, one of the last things i wanna see when i am just starting to feel better after having a particularly shitty time. then when i go to just check up on my fbook for a few minutes, this is one of the first stories i see, i get rather ticked. normally when i see one of either of your sickeningly sweet relationship letters i just mouth barf a little, but seeing this when im just starting to feel better after said shitty time turns me into Rage Guy. i mean seriously, you two are practically bragging that you have a bf/gf near every time you post at all, even when not on each other's walls! heres a novel idea-if you really love each other that much, why dont you, if either of you has an unlimited calling plan, just call each other?!?!?! to me, thats a hell of a lot more romantic than posting shit on each other's walls that is practically written in shakespearean english. seriously, there are much better ways to express love. when i had a gf i didnt post sickeningly sweet letters on her wall, and she didnt post anything sickening on mine, yet we were both very much in love, even though we were several hours apart. plus, we called each other!! if youre so vain (you probably think this song is about you (sorry, just didnt resist the urge)) that you feel the need to brag about your relationship like this, its just annoying. /rage (for now)

Communication Error

Do you have a life at all? Just because fbook isnt working, you're going to bed? That makes sooooo little sense on soooooo many levels. Is Farmville your life, mayhap? Please, do explain why fbook is so closely linked to your sleep schedule. I can understand checking fbook as soon as you get up, hell I do that, too, but only going to sleep since it's not working? Man, you've got a ton of problems to sort out.

Say It Anyways

OK, really? This is like not being hungry, but going to the fridge anyways. It's jes' a waste of your time! Seriously, if you know the correct people aren't gonna read it, why post it in the first place?

A Joint Decision

Yeah, reeeeeeeeal good decision there, Willie, jes' posting for the world to see that you smoke weed. Fun fact: there are policemen who have an active facebook account. Another fun fact: SMOKING NON-MEDICAL WEED IS ILLEGAL. In essence, you, Fatimah, Zebedee, RaHeem and Tylia are all saying "Officer, please come get me and throw me in jail. Much appreciated." But, this is all jes' food for thought, what do I know?

Blonde or Black?

I'll never understand teenage girl drama/ whatever you wanna call this. Seriously, Mackenzie, I can see asking friends which color would seem better, but why do it if you're too nervous to dye your hair?! If you're scared and don't wanna do it, just don't do it! It's that simple! Don't do unnecessary things if you don't wanna do them.

And yeah, there ARE 2 Kyles in this post, so it wasn't a case of i screwed up the colors.

Butt ...Posting?

OK, really? Did you just have your cell phone in your pocket when you went to bed, and somehow managed to not only dial a number, but then also form a complete text message, entirely free of spelling errors. Though when I think about it, that must take extreme skill, texting a relevant, coherent status all while sleeping! Now I wish I had some sort of trophy I could give you for your accomplishment! Congratulations on this amazing post!

15 Minutes of Fame

Brooke, you're in college. We all live in an imperfect world. Therefore, although many of us wish it would be so, not everyone is gonna keep their virginity until they get married! While most of the campus might still have their virginity, I know two people for sure that, well, said "Bye bye" to their virginity years ago.